im a million miles away from you... im a million miles away from you... codeine in a hospital bed
codeine in a hospital bed [entries|friends|calendar]
maybe i'd [object] if i felt at all alive

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new journal !! [Friday
July 8th, 2005 at 11:44am]
new journal, new change


dont phunk wit my heart [Tuesday
May 31st, 2005 at 2:51pm]
[ mood | incredable ]

so im going out with kyle..enuff said.

2 kiss me tenderly

fuck what i said it dont mean shit now [Monday
May 23rd, 2005 at 7:27pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

so we both agreed to end it... :(

i regret it kinda...but now as im thinking about it, or were thinking about it, i think it's a good thing that we both came to agreement to break up because we both aren't commited to each other anymore i guess. i mean i would of still stayed with him, ONLY if we actually TALKED about something, but we DON'T. i can't stay in a relationship with someone if they have nothing to SAY to me, and if I have nothing to say to them, but can ONLY talk about HOW I FEEL, and about BREAKING UP. which i HATE doing, but it really seemed like it was THE ONLY thing that i could DO in this relationship. i told him that im always gonna love him. I MEAN THAT WITH ALL MY HEART. he can believe that or not, but i do....i really do. :\

you know how they say about having someone you feel like they are your equal. well i HAD that, with Kevin. He is still my equal and NO ONE will EVER compare to him. i had him in our relationship, but i didn't HAVE him as i HAD him in our first relationship. i LOST him ALONG time ago, and i realized that today. i also had a little heads up when i talked to my dad about a month ago. he's said "there's no use to getting upset over it, because you have already lost him, but you don't know it yet, but i know that."
i LOVE my dad to death, and i didn't want to believe him because it's true.

"have you ever cared about someone so much that you felt like you could make their life better by leaving forever?"----->> thats how i felt, and it was what i was feeling all along.
i wish i would of known a lot sooner.

he will always mean a lot to me.

+ + + Do this noww!! + + +


you always wish [Wednesday
May 18th, 2005 at 2:02pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

sorry for the lack of updates...ill do my best to comment on ur journals. i promise.

you wish that there was just some way to actually go back in the past and fix what went wrong.

sometimes i wish life had a rewind button.

theres so many things that i wish i had done differently, so many things that i wish 'could of been' or 'what if that happened'.
there's things i wish i didn't have to feel guilty for.
i shouldn't feel guilty to feel what i want to feel. i shouldn't feel guilty of hanging out with a guy or with a bunch of people.
i shouldn't feel guilty to let my feelings show. i just don't understand why i feel this way.
i guess i feel guilty overall because of someone that im in love with, with someone that i know i could never have, even though i do, but it doesn't feel right anymore. it feels like we are ending anytime soon. i know we are.
i hurt a guy on saturday, he asked me out and i said no. i said no cuz i didn't want to feel like 'why did i get into a relationship for?, it's useless.' i didn't tell him why, i wanted to, but i just kept my mouth shut.
yea i kissed him.
yet i feel guilty for doing that because i gave my heart out to kevin, even though i know he really doesn't know that because he keeps shutting me out and he will never know that.
Kyle (the one who asked me out) was telling me how he felt about me and how he wanted me to give him a chance. that is why im thinking like i am now.
i want to give him a chance, but at the same time my heart is saying 'holdback, dont go after it yet.' while my mind is going 'Dooo itttt!, go after himm, it's a good chance to get it while you have it before you lose it.' ahh, it's so confusing for me. i alway say to myself to go along with what my heart tells me and i am, but for some reason i keep thinking that my heart is wrong this time. i don't know why, but i do. it's literally eating me up inside so bad. i just want to friggin scream or something.
i'm clueless as to what to do in this situation now.
i've turned down lot of guys that had asked me out this year, but kyle..i don't know. there's something there that i like about him, but i can't figure out what it is , and that is killing me.

but on the flip side, things have been okay for the most part. no feeling sad or depressed about anything anymore...just a lot of confusing and guiltyness.
hope everyone is excited that it's almost summmerrrr <3
if you have/ had your prom, send me pictturress! ♥
hope everyone is doing gooddd?!

6 kiss me tenderly

friends ONLY; [Wednesday
January 26th, 2005 at 2:37pm]
guns plus guns equals BANG BANG BANG!!!


+ comment !
- added ?

42 kiss me tenderly

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